


The Mullet Chronicles

by Blanquette



Series: Archives of the Nonsensical [2]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Police, Crack, E-mail, Epistolary, Gen, Humor, Mission Reports, Nonsense, Police, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:57:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13951080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blanquette/pseuds/Blanquette
Summary: Mullet Hyung, a.k.a Kim Himchan, writes a lots of reports about the missions he gets up to while on the force. None of them are any good. His captain is a very, very tired man. Even more so since his ace(?) officer got mixed up with a gang of youth that should really not be allowed outside the house anymore.





	1. Case #74638AXZ - The Capture of Min the Merciless

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so holy shit what am I doing lmao.  
> It was discussed in the comments for Rear Naked that Mullet Hyung should really get his own spin-off and I guess this is it. Between work, studies, and my other fics, I have a bit much on my plate right now so don't expect something very thought-out or detailed or I don't know, this is mostly for fun. Hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The how and why of that infamous bachelor auction turned full-on bad action movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who haven't read Rear Naked Choke Hold and stumbled upon this, it should probably be read first, but there's so much chapters you can also by-pass it entirely, it's not like this makes a lot of sense anyway.

_Please rewrite. Almost everything. I'm this close to let you blackmail Junhong into writing your reports for you again._

 

**Case #74638AXZ**

**THE CAPTURE OF MIN THE MERCILESS**

As you may already know, thanks to officer Jung Daehyun being a drunk, we knew Min owned the Starship so I got myself hired as a bartender. And well I needed a cover right, cause why would someone this handsome work in a dive this shitty? So I thought up a lot of stuff but all of it was pretty rubbish really. But then, you remember my slightly unhinged friend from grad school? Well ever since he got a mullet people just assume either his personality or his life are terrible, or even both, and nobody asks any questions, so I thought, well, damn, a mullet, there's the perfect cover. Granted his is bright red and I mean, you do have to draw a line somewhere, right, so I went with a more reasonable color and I daresay it doesn't look half-bad, I'm kind of growing attached nowadays.

So there I was, working as a bartender, and I mean nothing happened for the longest time. I swear I started getting in too deep and forgetting what my real purpose here was, you know, forgetting myself, the way it happens sometimes when you're undercover for too long. But then his daughter started showing up. Like, a lot. And she was talking all over the place about being all lonely. Or horny, it depended on the amount of whiskies, you know. And she has so many daddy issues I kid you not, and we kinda joked around a bit about her bringing an unapproved date at a family dinner. So then I thought. Well, here's a plan. Date the daughter, you get to the father.

I talked it over with my partner Youngjae and we thought. Bachelor auction, right _._ Like, what else. So we got that organized and she was super excited, and we did all we could to get her to bid on Youngjae. Meaning we put him in ass-less chaps but we kinda forgot he doesn't really have an ass, right, so some of the impact was a bit lost there.

Anyway, he's up there strutting his lack of stuff and he does get a bid, there's no accounting for taste right, but it wasn't the right woman. And I was a bit distracted at that point cause the first row was getting sort of raunchy, so I had to, well, intervene. That might have involved some bold moves with a fire extinguisher and you may or may not get a complaint about that later on, but just keep in mind that it was for the greater good. Old women can be vicious, they're gonna be dead soon, they have nothing to lose. Anyway, I had rounded up some other bachelors because it's not much of an auction with just one guy, especially if that guy is no-ass Youngjae. And youth these days, seriously. 

I have this dongsaeng right, we met under some circumstances that aren't relevant right now, but see the attached picture to know what he used to look like. A fucking nerd that's what. And you know, he's asking about the auction and I'm like well, sure my dude, that makes my work easier. As he used to look like a full-on nerd I thought, even Youngjae looks better, that's a win for us, no way we’re losing to him. Except that you know those things called gyms. Yeah apparently he hit those a lot. So he's up there all rippling muscles looking like a glazed donut. So. Much. Baby oil. That's when the fire extinguisher really came in handy by the way, and if anybody asks, that old crone really did deserve a concussion, I mean if the guy hadn't been this slippery thanks to all that oil he'd be missing a thigh today. Remember this when we get slapped with a lawsuit, okay. So like, this short angry dude won him, and remember that guy cause he'll come in again. Kihyun. Yoo Kihyun. Watch out for the tiny, angry fists.

Then this other dude comes out in jean shorts looking like a lil kinky farmer. I swear I could just about see him plow away in the summer heat and whatnot, riding a tractor all glistening with sweat, you know, these kinds of things. Exactly the sort of guy you see on the covers of erotic novellas about farms _._ So I was distracted again because damn that's not every day you see Billy Farmhand standing there, but then the target bid on him, and she won! So we had to make a split second decision there, or well I had to cause you know how useless Youngjae can get during times of stress, especially if his ass is hanging out. And I know you yelled a lot back then but please remember that it turned out to be the best decision when you're writing up my evaluation, thank you, Sir.

So I decided, well, never mind, let's just follow Billy boy there instead, but all his little friends, which includes my dongsaeng, his pocket boyfriend Yoo Kihyun, some guy named Lee Jooheon that has some issues with hair amongst others, and one Im Changkyun who turned out to really love fried rice, they decided to do the same. The theory was that the target was probably some axe murderer and they needed to protect their Billy, which like isn't so far off the mark, I mean she did do some pretty weird stuffs involving the removal of body parts so I get it, I really do, but I wasn't about to let them ruin that stint I had planned for months. We needed to honor Youngjae's sacrifice, right. Or my sacrifice, really, cause I mean, Youngjae in ass-less chaps, that will follow me to the grave. I would do a rough sketch but I'm afraid of looking into the abyss again.

Anyway, so I round them up, which isn't very hard cause they really suck at the whole discretion thing, I don't know how Billy didn't notice anything, he's one dense motherfucker I'll tell you that.

We all end up in a shopping mall and she's playing dress up with the lil farmer, and that's when I realize I'm still dressed like a hillbilly, which is all well and good when you're a bartender in a dive but not so great when you're about to pull the arrest of the century. So think about that too, cause I know you weren't super keen on me using the department's credit card to buy fancy clothes, but like someone has to uphold the image of the national police and it sure as hell ain't gonna be Youngjae, or even Jongup, have you seen him half the time? Someone should really tell the kid bucket hats aren't his thing, like, at all, and I know the mullet trend was my idea but why did he have to dye his own bright blue? Of all colors? I mean nowadays even Daehyun looks decent next to him. Let that sink in. Jung Daehyun. The one who's not even allowed out in the field anymore after that stunt he pulled with the trojan swan and a shoe.

I chose to dress to impress you know, I'm going for a kingpin after all, gotta look the part, and YES that does include Gucci shades, no matter what Hyorin in accounting might say. We follow them all the way to the restaurant, you know the one we had already scouted out that one time when Youngjae got his panties in a twist over the dragon pillars. But like, I get it. Dragon pillars. Why does the mafia has to be that obnoxious all the damn time? It's like, they should lay low you know, I don't know, open a kimbap joint, but no, they go straight for the pointy-collared shirts and the slicked-back hair, and you know, I'm okay with cutting off fingers and sleeping with the fishes and whatnot, gotta do what you gotta do, but for the love of god can they stop with the cringy lingo, the vaguely Japanese tattoos, and the goddamn dragon pillars? Can we extend his prison sentence just for owning that damn restaurant? I felt like I was in a 90s movie, and not even a good one.

So anyway, we kinda order food and I know Hyorin in accounting is mad about that too, but we had to remain inconspicuous and back then I didn't know those boys were black holes when it comes to food. Especially Former Nerd Shin Hoseok. That boy can eat, holy shit. I would enter him in a pie eating contest if we had that here and retire a rich man. I mean I was so fascinated I forgot to eat myself, which in hindsight was pretty good cause you don't wanna fight on a full stomach.

Or well at least I don't, didn't seem to bother that Kihyun guy when he started dishing out flying kicks, but we're not there yet, gotta keep this chronological, I remember you stressing that a lot when I gave my last report _._

And then well that's the part that made you especially mad so time to pop a valium and relax, Sir. I had called up the squad 17 of the special forces for back up, and by the way quick question, why are they called 17 when there's only 13 of them? I mean I'm sure there's some idiotic reason like metaphysical math behind this but that's just confusing.

So yeah, I was kinda hiding behind one of those god-awful dragon pillar by that time, trying to think of how I could extract billy boy there without him getting hurt, and I thought well, I mean, he’s this far in already, might as well throw caution to the wind, so I reveal myself and it was pretty cool if I may say so, although I don’t remember exactly what I said because of all the adrenaline, you know it does stuff to you sometimes. Turned out that wasn’t the right exact move cause it got one of his underlings all cranky and I had to bust out some moves. And that’s pretty much when all hell broke loose, and everyone started attacking each other because apparently, we can’t just be civil.

And you know, I thought, well damn, this isn't going very well innit, but I'm an optimistic guy so I just double down on the fighting, although I swear after a while we could have just hanged back and relaxed. Cause those guys, they pretty much had it in hand you know. Well that Im Changkyun was just eating under the table and I'm pretty sure soft boy Jooheon broke his foot but that Kihyun. He just kinda like introduced his foot to everyone’s faces. Which was glorious enough, but then he stated using a tray as a shield and he was clearing the path left and right, we just had to cuff the guys on the floor. We should get him reviewed by the hiring services.

But then you know there’s always a duel, you think it’s only in the movies, but it’s in real life too. And so I was face to face with Min the Merciless and I thought well, this is it, the highlight of my career. But then! I kid you not I was lowkey pissed because damn, way to rob a guy of his fight, but Billy boy, he put his arms, toned from so much farming, around the guy’s neck from behind and just like choked the fucker out. So then we just had to arrest him! Which we did. And I guess you know the rest, cause we went straight to the police station afterwards. Where you were. And then you yelled at me. Which was a bit uncalled for since we basically completed the arrest with flying colors.

 

 

_Look here, I'm going to be a real pedagogue Kim, so you better read that note and then rewrite the damn thing. AND NOT BY HAND. Why do you always write your reports by hand? We have computers now. For a reason. You're not even a doctor, how is your handwriting this terrible?_

_Now first of all, YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE A TITLE I TOLD YOU THAT TWO THOUSAND TIMES. Min the Merciless? You do know you’re the only one to call him like this, yes? And that it needs to stop? Great. Now regarding all this prattling on about your mullet. Do you know who cares? No one, that's exactly who. I do want you to think about something, though. Name one of your friend, only one, from anywhere, that isn't "slightly unhinged", and think about what that tells about yourself._

_Also, what the hell, Kim? What was that plan? Couldn't you just date the woman yourself? Do you want to make me bald before my time? I already have one ulcer, that's enough. Did you just want to put Youngjae in assless chaps? I swear if it wasn't even worse when we pair you with one of the other degenerates I have on hand I'd break you guys up. Is putting Youngjae in stupid situations your damn hobby? That's it, isn't it. Why does the kid always do whatever you ask?  
_

_And Kim I swear if we get another lawsuit I'm firing you one way or another. Just because Heechul over in the prosecutor office said you make his job ten times more entertaining doesn't mean you HAVE TO BRING HIM MORE OF YOUR DUMBASS CASES, ALRIGHT._

_Now I know we already discussed it but WHAT WERE YOU THINKING BRINGING CIVILS INTO IT? You're lucky they made it all out relatively unharmed. And that everyone involved thought they were some sort of agents. Cause that could reflect very badly during the trial! We just have to lie through our teeth now! Thank god Heechul is a terrible person!_

_And side note, did you somehow managed to convince yourself that that guy really is a farmer? Cause that's worrying. Amongst all of the things that are worrying about you, that's the one that somehow stands out. How did you even pass the psych eval? This is a serious question, Kim._

_There is so many things wrong with that arrest I can't even begin to fathom it. You need to come to my office as soon as you've reviewed whatever this is, because there is some more yelling I would like to get across._

 

 

 


	2. Straight from the Archives: Daehyun's amazing appeal letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The how and why Daehyun got stuck on desk duty, featuring Mullet Hyung, a sad intern, the prosecutor, and a drunk we all know and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work is a big bore and this is a wisest use of my time there than just staring at the wall.
> 
> This is set before Mullet Hyung was Mullet Hyung, around the time where Wonho and Kihyun got busted and put in the drunk tank.

_Jung Daehyun, Officer of the Law_

_Hongdae Precinct_

I know you told me I wasn't allowed back in the field until I've reflected upon my actions but who even knows how long is that supposed to take? I mean I've reflected a lot and I'm still stuck on desk duty, I feel like this is a bit subjective as far as punishments goes. And well you don't want to listen to me, I know because of all the pretending to be on the phone you do every time I'm near you, by the way you ain’t sleek sir, so I've asked some of my esteemed colleagues to put in a good word for me in case it can sway you.

 

  
  
_Kim Himchan, Officer of the Law_

_Hongdae Precinct_

First of all, I need you to know that at the beginning I fully supported your decision sir, I hope you remember that when you do our evaluations cause I know you're still mad about that whole underground wrestling experience. But then you know I kinda took pity on the guy, so I thought I'd write him a good word like he wants. Also he can be extremely annoying when he puts his mind to it. Now keep in mind that he did pull off the arrest so that's just a matter of means over ends really, and you know what they say, the end justifies the means sometimes. Even if said means involve a swan, a shoe, and an impromptu car chase.

I also need you to visualize Jung Daehyun moping around at his desk right now. You know what would be great? If he wasn't there. So really, sending him back in the field would just make everyone's life easier cause there's so much patented Daehyun ramblings we can all take.

Now about that swan, I think we all need a bit of background there. Jung Daehyun thinks being born near the sea gives him some special connection with water creatures, like some sort of fucked up merman, and well, I'm not sure he knows the difference between salted water and fresh water, but I mean maybe swans don't either cause I swear one time I saw ducks just out there pedaling on the sea and I was like you idiot ducks! That's not where you belong! But they remained unfazed. So keep that in mind, he was just going with what felt natural, you know.

So anyway, back to that arrest. That drug den was just right next to a little pond cause apparently druggies are just like everyone else and they too like to live in a nice environment. And Daehyun was there with Moon Jongup and honestly, what came over you when you paired up those two? Because Daehyun will just bully Jongup into whatever idiot scheme is on his mind at the moment and that's how you end up with a trojan swan on your hands. That's just asking for trouble at this point. And I know exactly what you’re thinking and it is so, so wrong, that’s so not what I'm doing with Youngjae. I’m mentoring him, that’s totally different.

So they needed to get in there right, but you really cannot just stroll up to a drug den and be like a-hoy where's the cocaine. That's when Daehyun noticed the pond and that one swan swimming in there and he thought well! There's an idea!

I know you were against him deputizing the swan but I checked and technically there's nothing preventing you from deputizing animals, maybe because no one really thought that would ever come up, so our boy was in the clear there. And that's when I thought he might actually be onto something with his big idea of being kindred to water creatures, cause swans are big assholes right, but somehow Daehyun managed to tame this one and strap a little camera to its lil head. So that’s impressive. If we ever have a murder in an aquarium, which is something that happens all the time, let's send him in, he'll talk to the fishies.

So he has his little camera-swan right, and that should really tell you a lot about why we need to invest in drones, cause if he'd had one, none of this would have happened, so really all of this is to blame on Hyorin in accounting.

It takes a while, but he manages to get the thing inside the den, and they're monitoring the feedback from the car. But then you know, imagine you're all coked-up out of your mind and you suddenly see a swan just right there, that would be a bit freaky, right? Especially if said swan is wearing a little custom helmet made out of tinfoil cause that's only something humans are supposed to do. So yeah, everybody in there kinda lost it and that's when one of the guy chucked his shoe at the swan. So technically it wasn't even Daehyun's fault if it all turned crazy after that. Or well, crazier.

Cause yeah apparently it was a bad move, something to do with swans having very low tolerance regarding the number of shoes chucked at them. And it's uncanny the damage a big bird can do to a string of grown ass men, I mean that's when it really sinks in, that they're the closest we have to dinosaurs cause damn. The Jurassic must have been wild lemme tell you, we all should thank that asteroid cause we can already barely deal with the pterodactyls' degenerate cousins.

So yeah it's hell in there and you have the dynamic duo just sitting in their car wondering if they should intervene before someone actually dies. And Daehyun, bless his soul, he decides to sacrifice himself and go in there cause the swan is technically his deputy so he's responsible you know, so all in all he was being extremely respectful of the law and acted just like any officer would have, with courage and dignity.

Well granted it was a little less dignified when he busted in there and also got a shoe in the goddamn face. Everyone reacts badly to that, right? You would have done the same. I mean regarding the whole tasing the shit out of everyone thingie. That's just common sense. And like, why give us tasers if you don't want us to use them. How was he supposed to know that one guy was like a hundred years old and had a pacemaker? You don't think about those things in the midst of the action. So yes he almost died, but in the end he didn't! So is it really worth making us all suffer by sticking officer Jung at his desk? I don't think so.

Anyway, Daehyun only got so many arms right, he couldn't really get everyone so some of them managed to get out, thus the car chase. And I know what you might be thinking, it's slightly over the top innit, chasing a guy on foot with a car. But you know what they say right, too fast to live too young to die.

Granted it wasn't super fast and yeah Daehyun might be young but the guy was like 68. Seriously I know it's hard for old people out there, but do they really have to turn to a life of crime? It was more a matter of Daehyun just pulling up to him and try to convince him to get in the damn car than a real chase you see. And that should make you happy! It was way less dangerous than that one time when we let Junhong drive and he didn't grasp the concept of speed limitation. You didn't even punish him back then! I know we all have a soft post for the kid but really, he is suffering now too you know, Daehyun is just noise made flesh.

You know that buzzing sound in your ears when you try to focus in your fancy office? Yeah, that's him, babbling away in the breakroom. Cause that's his house now. He's there. Always there. There's no escape. And pardon me but that's all on you, Sir. Maybe he does deserve some kind of blame, but hasn't that been enough? Cause all in all he did arrest those guys and demonstrated some quick-thinking skills that could really come in handy one day. Maybe. If we need to bust some scuba diving thugs.

Think of everyone else. You all landed us in hell and there is no way out. I can still hear him in my dreams, incessantly talking about marine life. Our freedom is in your hands, sir. I trust you'll make the right choice.

  
  
  
_Kim Heechul, Prosecutor_

_Nam-Seoul Office_

Do you know how funny it is to bring in a swan as a key witness in a trial? Very.

Please just let officer Jung back out in the field. The thing even had a little tinfoil helmet! You never saw that in your life. Think of me. Stuck at a desk all day. Dealing with pretentious assholes and everything else that is wrong in the world. And then! Then comes along the case of a lifetime. Ancient gangsters. A swan in a helmet. Two guys in a cop car chasing a barefoot dingus. Enough cocaine to last you a century. How can you deprive me of this? How can you deprive the world of this? Jung Daehyun is a true hero of our times. This case will be taught about in law school, mark my words. Just let him out, let him fulfill his mission of entertaining generations of students and prosecutors alike. I'll be counting on you. We're all counting on you.

 

  
  
_Choi Junhong, Long-suffering intern_

_Hongdae Precinct_

Please sir just let Dehyun-hyung out again? I know you wish we would all behave and resolve high-profile cases with dignity just like those guys over in Gangnam but that's just not how things are and I think you should make your peace with it.

That or Jongup-hyung is going to strangle Daehyun in a bit. I know he looks calm on the outside but he's like a sleeping bear you know, poke him long enough and he'll snap. And you don't want to see him snap. Either that or Daehyun is just going to vibrate straight out of existence with all that coffee he's drinking. Think about it. Daehyun and coffee. We're all suffering here sir, just have mercy.

  
  
_Yoo Kihyun, Some shitfaced idiot in the drunk tank_

_Hongdae Precinct_

Honestly. Sir. What? It's so hard to write. I'm making so much efforts right now. Jung Daehyun. I don't know that guy. Or do I? That tall guy says yes. Honestly, how tall is he? Who needs that much legs? Oh right. Officer Jung. He's nice. He's so nice. I beat him at thumb war and I mean how shitty do you have to be at that game to get beaten by someone as drunk as I am. No wait. I'm not drunk. Am I going to get into trouble? I'm already in jail though. Anyway yeah Daehyun. Great cop. Great, great cop. He should be outside. Fighting crime and stuff. We were only making out! Not with Daehyun. Although have you seen his bigass lips it's hard to look at anywhere else. Anyway I was making a point. Fighting crime, yes. With skills and. And panache. Why do I have to write this? Where am I? Hello? Yes sir, hi. What a waste! It's a waste, that's what it is. Get him back up on the force! As a citizen. I feel like he should be outside, protecting us. What? I don't know any swan. I'm sorry. I'm so tired. Yes? Thank you.

  
  
  
  
_Let me get this straight, Daehyun. You come to me for an appeal, and somehow, all you manage to scrap is Kim Himchan, who isn’t suspended only because I can’t have you both on desk duty at the same time, Kim Heechul, who’s the least trustworthy person this side of the galaxy, Junhong the intern whose only argument is that you’re being a pain in the ass, and who else? A random drunk we scrapped off the pavement somewhere? Are you shitting me? Is this a joke? Cause it better be. I don’t care you’re making everyone else miserable, as far as I’m concerned you’re all terrible people and you all deserve your fate. I’m getting my office soundproofed and you’re staying on desk duty until doodely-doo._

 

 

 

 

 


	3. From the E-mail Server: Daehyun's reckoning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daehyun gets what was coming to him, Mullet Hyung takes the opportunity to argue for an overseas operation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, wrote this at work in a fit of boredom.

_**RE: Daehyun's reckoning** _

Honestly Captain, sir, what did you expect locking us all up with an unleashed Daehyun. We all warned you. Or well at least Junhong did. I know cause he made me proofread his letter to you like ten thousand times. Despite it being about three sentences long. How much proofread does that need? He's lucky I'm nice. Anyway, not the point. It was only a matter of time before someone lost their damn marbles, really. I was just real surprised it was Jongup. We all were.

And like with all due respect sir, I think you owe me an apology. Just because he used a full squad of fire extinguishers doesn't mean I had a hand in the debacle. I know I've been a fervent advocate for the uncanny efficacity of fire extinguishers in melee combat, but I can't be held accountable for how other people choose to take my words. Or apply them. With terrifying efficacity. Seriously though I was so goddamn impressed. Who knew the kid had it in him! Granted I am sorry for the current state of Daehyun's, well, everything, and that half the precinct is still covered in foam, but like. Honestly. Deadly accuracy. Can I take him with me to Macau? I know you haven't authorized the operation yet but trust me. Captain. Sir. It's now or never. Now or never! Mark my words. Once in a lifetime opportunity to put an end to the dumpling terror plaguing the seven continents. Or really just one. And like two and a half countries on it. Or maybe three neighborhoods all in all. But really you won't regret this, sir.

Okay so I got a bit sidetracked there again. My bad. But it's still important. What I just said about Macau. You can go back and reread those sentences, I'll give you a minute.

So yeah. Jongup. I don't think he should be punished cause he's really just a victim. You don't know what it's like. They’re desk buddies. It can't be good for anyone having officer Jung's big dumdum mouth babbling away at you every waking hour you spend at work. And he's disgusting. Have you seen the sticky mug fortress he built around his desk? He forgot a burrito in his drawer and now there's ants in it. And he named them. He named them all. I don't even know how he recognizes them, but somehow, he does. That's some next level brand of crazy there, sir. And you forced us all to deal with it instead of letting him back onto the field where he can direct all the lunacy on criminals instead of us. I'm not saying it's all your fault because I respect you too much, sir, but really, it kinda is.

Now they tell me you were a bit unclear on the proceedings, so I'll try to be as straightforward as possible. What happened was that Jongup is deadass a stone-cold killer when you push him hard enough.

You know when sometimes, someone starts doing something weird, but it's so weird you kinda think he's probably supposed to be doing it? Yeah that's what happened to me when Jongup just got up from his desk and started gathering all the fire extinguishers we have on our floor. I mean you make us do all those weird safety exercises I thought maybe that was it again. Cause it wasn’t any weirder than that one time Youngjae started going around randomly karate-chopping people, got his ass handed to him by that twitchy dude in accounting, and then it turned out you wanted to test our close-combat reflexes.

So then I thought to myself, well, I have no energy left for this. So I took a nap? Kinda. And so the thing is I actually missed the beginning of the whole ordeal. I know how you feel about napping at our desks but sir, I've been working real hard on setting up that Macau operation (once in a lifetime opportunity, remember those words) so I really needed some kind of respite. Anyway, no-ass Youngjae will probably be able to fill in the blanks, he was real into it until he caught the bottom of an extinguisher with the side of his face. The concussion makes it a bit hard for him to be coherent, but he'll do his best, sir, I have him writing his report right now.

What I managed to gather from him is that after Jongup made a little circle with the fire extinguishers he had gathered, Daehyun kinda looked at him in that irritating way he has sometimes, you know, as if he knows something that you don’t? And this thing is that you’re the biggest dumbass he ever met? Well he opened his big mouth to say something but Jongup wasn’t about to take it silently anymore and he just uncapped one of the extinguisher and blasted it straight at Daehyun’s desk.

And I guess that’s around then that I woke-up? First I thought I was still in dreamland cause everything was white and foamy, but then I caught sight of something bright, blue and hairy swinging in the midst, and that could only be Jongup's mullet. With the rest of Jongup attached to it, hands clenched around a fire extinguisher. I guess he had moved from the desk to the guy himself cause he was emptying it straight in Daehyun's face while yelling something about boundaries and mutual respect. Now if there is something to be said about Daehyun is that he took it like a champ. Didn't even fall off his chair until Jongup started swinging the empty thing around like a thurible at church.

Speaking of church, I know the one around the corner says we still haven't returned those priest outfits we borrowed, but they're slandering us sir, and that's not very Christian of them.

Anyway, back to Jonguppie. So Daehyun is on the floor yeah, and he's not doing much until Jongup mentions the drawer burrito ants. And you would think he just threatened the guy's own children the way Daehyun reacted. He lunged himself at Jongup, which could have been kinda badass if he hadn’t slip like three times in the process cause that foam was EVERYWHERE, which probably includes his ass crack, I swear that thing has a way of just getting into your pants. So yeah that’s when it kinda got out of hand. I mean more than it already was. You know mud fights? Or maybe you don't, it's not very dignified. So it was kinda like that but way less sexy. And with foam instead of mud. And they were both clothed. In non-skimpy outfits. So I guess it was nothing like mud fights, but you get the idea.

That's when no-ass Youngjae thought someone should perhaps separate them and that that someone could be him, but when he leaned down Jongup got up swinging the extinguisher and inadvertently decked him one straight in the mug. Thankfully Youngjae's only thick part is his skull so it didn't do too much damage. And then I guess Jongup felt kind of bad? Cause he sorta came back to himself, looked around at the disaster, and let out the tiniest “oh no” I’ve ever heard. He deflated right there and we were able to disarm him. After kinda swimming through the wet disaster. Side question, why do we have so many extinguishers on just one floor, sir? I know you think we're all safety hazards but come on. I doubt even us would be able to light five different fires at one time.

All in all it was much ado about nothing cause like okay everything is gross and slimy now, but no one was really hurt, Jongup got it out of his system, and, more importantly, Daehyun finally shut up. The three things you have to remember is that I need another guy besides Youngjae for Macau, cause he didn't have much brain cells to begin with and I bet that extinguisher-to-the-face experience fried the last ones. They were desperately clinging to him and got flung out into oblivion with one well-placed hit. I really think that the other guy should be Jongup, first cause the boy needs some air, and also have you seen the path of destruction he wrought all of his own? Legendary. And last thing. That operation needs to happen, sir. It's going to be ass-kicking awesomery. And also like they're criminals we should probably arrest them. Make the world a better place and all that.

So that’s it for me, I hope you will do the right choice sir, thank you for your time.

  
  
  
_**RE: RE: Daehyun's reckoning**_

Priest outfits? What priest outfits? That's the first I hear about any priest outfits. What the hell did you do with priest outfits? Also it’s called a cassock.

Now Himchan. Officer Kim. We've known each other for a long, long time. Sometimes I think too long a time. Someone wiser than I am would have put an end to your career already. However, since you always seem to get your expected results one way or another, I am willing to overlook your blatant inadequacies and give you another chance. That lapse in sanity might be imputed to the fact that every time I read one of your inane report something happens to me. I feel my eyes glaze over while my soul leaves my body, ascending to higher realms where it finds the peace it desperately needs but will never truly know for as long as I am captain of the Hongdae precinct. When it comes back to me I can't help but feel magnanimous towards you cretins. But know that I am very tired, officer. Very. Tired.

  
  
_**RE: RE: RE: Daehyun's reckoning**_

Does that mean you're authorizing the Macau Operation? I'm calling it Operation Frying the Dumpling.  
  
Also please find attached Youngjae's report.

 

  
  
_**RE: RE: RE: RE: Daehyun's reckoning**_

I am. It is a terrible name and I should fire you just because of it.

You do realize Youngjae's report is just a disastrous drawing where somehow, everyone is a bunny?

  
  
_**RE: RE: RE: RE: Daehyun's reckoning**_

He has a concussion, sir. I did what I could, but I’m only a man.

 

 


	4. From the email server: Macau, part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some details about those events in Macau.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess it would help understand whatever this is about if you've read the chapters 45 to 48 of Rear Naked Choke Hold cause it relates the same events.

**From: Officer Kim Himchan**

**Object: first of many**

_With all due respect sir I don’t know why you insisted on me sending you emails every four hours it’s not like anything noteworthy is gonna happen in that time span, I’m pretty sure we can board a plane without getting into one of our “stupidass moronic horseplay” just as you worded it. And even if we did, and I must say I’m a little offended, nothing I ever did was strictly speaking in the realm of stupid, skirting the outskirts maybe I’ll give you that, but never quite there, and if we must only judge by the results it always turned out great really but yeah, even if we did, you can trust us to come out on top of it. Come on top haha see the innuendo there? I’m trying to supply you with a few chuckles cause clearly you’re missing some joy in your life. Anyway consider this the first of many such emails, we boarded the plane and nothing happened, who would have thought._

**From: Officer Kim Himchan**

**Object: hurr durr here’s your report dad**

_Still in the plane and still nothing happened. Thank Hyorin in accounting for booking us in first class tho. I’m not sure she knows she did it cause I may or may not have changed the booking once I got the tickets sent to me but still. Those seats are great. They can massage you, I kid you not. Great stuff. You wanna get one for your office, might get all that tension out of your shoulders. It can’t be good to be so tense. Why are you so tense? I know the look you gave me last time I asked and really let’s be honest, I can’t be entirely responsible for that very large stick you got up your arse, sir. Captain. You should try to get laid or something. Or really just take deep breaths. Start goat yoga. It’s yoga but there are also goats present. Really takes your mind off of things. I might have indulged in the really nice wine they keep offering me but really I’m just looking out for your well-being, cause someone gotta and you really need to learn to just, unclench. Trust my words. The world is your oyster. Let go, once in a while. You are a loose lily, floating down an amber river._

**From: Officer Kim Himchan**

**Object: okay you were maybe onto something with all that reporting business**

_Something funny happened, captain. Or well funny to me at least, I bet you’re gonna find that dreadful and see that’s exactly what I meant about large stick up arses and all that jazz. So take deep breaths and think about goats._

_Anway so we were lounging in first class like we belonged there and honestly I’m like very grateful for those nice seats that massage you at the press of a button but still there’s something undeniably unfair about just the principle of having different classes on a plane, right? Like coach and business and first class and whatnot that’s really just saying some deserve better treatment just because they have money and segregating the rich from the poor or vice versa is really stinky no matter how you look at it. And really, how can you expect rich people to have any compassion on the poor if they do not know what if feels like to have your butt slowly ruined by rock hard plane seats with your legs all pressed up against your chest for an ungodly number of hours while there’s some baby wailing three seats down and the guy behind you just keeps kicking your seat everytime he uncrosses his damn legs. I mean if I wasn’t so afraid of national security reading those emails and labeling me a socialist threat I’d really be up there advocating for class war and workers of the world unite and suchlike. But I am afraid so I’m going to keep the communism to the bare minimum._

_So the funny thing that happened. Remember those two guys I put in jail because of the hilariousness of it all? And you really didn’t find it hilarious, not one bit, and threatened me to an ass whooping even after I explained the elaborate prank behind it all? Seriously captain learn to live a little, what use are our holding cells if we can’t have a little liberal fun with them once in a while. So yeah, we were cozying it up with the bourgeoisie cause we’re class traitors and then there’s this little commotion that grabs my attention and who do I see appearing from behind the segregation curtain framed by two stewards? That one guy who was in jail! Not the shojo prince looking one mind you but his clingy boyfriend. And they’re kinda dragging him while he protests and then this other guy shows up, the one who really likes his rice from that Min the Merciless case. Yup! Right there on the plane screaming something about civil rights and being a lawyer which in insight was probably a big fat lie but who am I to judge. They don’t notice us and I’m trying to prevent Youngjae from going over to say hi and shake some hands seriously that boy has the worst timing ever, when guess who shows up too! My dongsaeng! The former nerdy fuck from back in high school that almost single handedly ruined my plan to catch Min the Merciless through the sheer oily power of his meaty thighs._

_Former Nerd was kinda nagging the guy about definitely not having a torrid love affair with a steward and well why would you brag about not having a torrid love affair with a steward? I would so totally brag about having a torrid love affair with a steward that’s exactly the kind of things you look fondly back on when you’re like too old and ugly to have any more torrid affairs of any kind. I want a torrid affair is what I’m saying I guess. You should probably have one too I mean not with me because oh lord talk about hella disgusting. Altho it is always hot to shag your boss in a forbidden office romance kind of way and you remember that one time I mentioned erotic novellas about farms? Yeah I was actually not sure they existed so I kinda checked and they do exist, but the side effect of that particular discovery is that a whole new world of erotic novellas opened before me and once you start it’s very hard to like, back down. Do you know what a meet-cute is? Now I do and honestly I’m halfway to crying every time I pass by a coffee shop because you have no idea the romance potential those places offer it’s out of this world really. I’m way sidetracked I don’t even remember where I was going with this but I guess the take-away here is that we’re on the same plane as that gang of violent lunatics we keep somehow meeting I think this is fate._

**From: Officer Kim Himchan**

**Object: it’s so nice to be a cop sometimes**

_Hey guess what it’s me again, I hope those emails are working out for you because this is a real pain and also not answering is so freaking rude no wonder you have zero friends. Okay I guess that was rude too but like it still stands. You should go out sometimes. And the company dinner every once in a while does not count sir we already went over this._

_So ya know after they dragged Min-something to the cockpit to get screamed at I realized that like, if three of them are here the rest is probably not far away and I was right! And you know how I know I was right? Just when we were disembarking they lugged a handcuffed Yoo Kihyun out of the plane. Remember Yoo Kihyun? Small, angry, hilarious at pranks. Anyway I thought well damn what did they do and then a bloodied up steward went out after them so I was like oh well, they must have done this._

_And then I remembered all your little spiel about not dragging civils into criminal arrests and how we were lucky they didn’t say anything and whatnot so I figured I kinda owed them one for not suing my ass you know. That’s why I called the airport authorities and I may have slightly lied in telling them those guys were actually part of a highly trained undercover unit instrumental to an operation undertaken conjointly by our forces and macau’s esteemed police unit but that’s more or less what we said on the official report regarding their involvement in Min’s arrest so I mean I’m just adding to the tale, right. No harm done. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I got them out by lying my ass off. So please cover me if this comes up anytime in the near future. I owe you one you’re the real deal captain thank you sir._

_So I guess now we’re in a taxi to our hotel? With Youngjae and Jongup and we’ll be meeting the macau police force in about two hours and tomorrow morning is D DAY. The Macau unit has been steadily tracking the dumpling gang and tomorrow is collecting day so the plan is very simple we’re just gonna lay in wait near one of the dumpling stalls they usually harass and bust their asses as soon as they do something slightly illegal. Easy peasy._

**From: Officer Kim Himchan**

**Object: please remember that somewhere, deep, deep down, you love me**

_Okay I might have been slightly ahead of myself when I said “easy peasy”. Before reading what follow I’d advise you take a few deep breaths and maybe drink some chamomile or something. Remember my goat yoga suggestion? Maybe now’s the time to take me up on it like say hello to the sun and open your chakras or whatever it is that yoga people get up to._

_So yeah. Lying in wait was the easy part. Although somehow Youngjae decided that crouching behind a dumpster was the way to go and well as far as hiding places go I’ve had better but I’m trying to build his confidence so we just went with the dumpster. And you know it was in the morning so I was like, no one is gonna buy dumplings at this hour right, we’re in the clear, no civils this time, boss gonna be happy. And well I was wrong. Funny how people get in the mood for dumplings at the weirdest times. So there was this guy at our target stall and I think he was maybe flirting with the lil dumpling lady but that’s a big maybe cause I’ve rarely seen someone this awkward, we could all feel the awkwardness just permeating the air all around him thick as syrup. The girl didn’t seem to mind tho so I’m there really wondering about her ideal type, but if it’s big lumbering lumberjacks – and that’s when my train of thoughts kinda derailed cause guess who it was? Billy Farmhand!! From the bachelor auction!! We’re fated I tell you we keep running into these guys._

_So there I was trying to wrestle Youngjae into not going to say hello once again and wondering if we can get the guy to clear the place before any of our targets show up when, well, they show up. So too late I guess? And we can’t really just spring out right there and then cause you know the timing isn’t right and also it would look super uncool so in concertation with the Macau guys we decide to wait and see. And boy oh boy like remember those shitty kung fu movies you always made fun of me for watching back in the academy? Well that was basically that with way more self-inflicted nunchaku to the face. I mean those guys. Incredible. First Billy Farmhand was kinda standing his ground alone, he even suplexed a dude at some point for Christ's sake and at that point I was really torn between just interfering right there and then cause he was way outnumbered, and seeing where all of this was going cause it was some quality entertainment sir I kid you not like I mean I really hope someone out there filmed it. So yeah that was my dilemma and then it just kinda got decided for me when Yoo Kihyun barreled out of the alley like a vengedul god. And you know when that guy is here you can kind of just sit back and relax._

_And well. I can kinda hear you screaming all the way from where you are sir, about leaving civils to deal with criminals alone but they weren’t alone sir we kept a close eye on the proceedings. I mean that’s a tough gang and strategically speaking it was way better to just let them tire out on those guys and then swoop in to save the day and in all honesty we were all kinda taking bets too? And this time it wasn’t even my idea? Like the Macau dudes thought of it first and then it just kinda spread around and yeah I mean free money right. Of course I had all my bettings on Yoo Kihyun and did the guy deliver. Former Nerd Shin Hoseok was there too and basically all the gang ended up showing up, even shojo prince who kinda fights like a really unhinged stick insect and weirdly it’s kind of effective? Well at least it was until the surprise wore off and half the guys realized they could probably bench press him no biggie. So yeah the fight kinda started getting messy and when they resorted to purple nurples (why is there always a shirtless dude???? Why?????) I thought maybe our time had come cause like at this point I’m pretty sure Billy Farmhand had a concussion and I draw the line at actually dying._

_So I gave the signal and we all went out from behind the dumpster and did I mention I had a fire extinguisher? Cause I did and honestly I’m always amazed at how handy those things are. Like, really. Who needs a taser honestly. So I guess once we revealed ourselves it was over pretty quickly. And you know. Well apart from Billy there who was maybe just slightly hemorrhaging from the head everyone was pretty sprite. Good spirit and all. So really. Mission status: success I guess. We arrested the fuck out of everyone that needed arresting and then I took Billy to the hospital cause he might be sturdy like a sexy horse but blood is blood you know and it’s always better when it stays on the inside of your body._

**From: Officer Kim Himchan**

**Object: I’ve been handing out jobs left and right at dinner ya need to help me**

_Okay so captain sir you need to pull through for me I took the boys out for dinner and like I was real impressed with Yoo Kihyun’s proficiency in ass kicking so I might have offered him a job upon graduation? And also that food lover boy, Im Changkyun, he’s really into that whole lawyer stuff as well as lying his ass off so I thought he would be a great intern for Heechul back in legal cause let’s face it apart from lying and drinking coffee all day that guy doesn’t do much else. So like. Back me up on this. I know you believe in giving the youth a chance and going after your dreams and all that stuff. Plus I mean that’s the second arrest they help me pull we kinda owe them. Thank you captain. You’re the best._


	5. From the email server: Macau, part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That second part from the Macau trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit it's been so long since I haven't updated I'm so sorry. It's a bit short but at least now we're all caught up on RNCH!

**From: Kim Himchan**

**Object: No-ass???? Youngjae????????? Has game??????????????????????? And also I might have done something a wee bit illegal but no biggie**

Something terribly uncanny happened sir you won't believe it.

So the thing is I felt bad about billy farmhand's head kinda bursting open and ruining whatever sad thing he was attempting with that dumpling girl so I thought, well, I got her number since it's in her testimony, so what's to prevent me from setting up a date for them? Apart from professional boundaries. Nothing, that's what. So I did set up a date. But thing is our billy there he didn't really seem to understand what was going on? Like at all? Might have had something to do with the whole concussion experience so I did what every reasonable self-appointed wingman would do in that situation. I thought I should come with him. To supervise, you know.

But then that would be blatant third-wheeling and I refuse to be subjected to that kind of disrespect, that's one of my unyielding principle. So I took Youngjae along. I would have brought Jongup but he was in that sorta weird headspace he gets in sometimes, you know when he gets all blank and quiet? And you're pretty sure his brain sorta vacated the premises? And all that squinting he does is really unsettling too like captain sir, I really think we should get him glasses, the boy is blind as a bat. Have mercy. 

So yeah I asked Youngjae. And do you know what Youngjae said? He said he had to do his taxes. Who the hell does his taxes in the middle of an operation in Macau? Youngjae, apparently. So he still came. But he took his taxes with him. Like a goddamn dingus. I swear we need to recruit some people with all of their marbles firmly in place cause this can't go on any longer.

But anyway, yeah. We all went to that charming little French-style restaurant cause the French are big on romance and love and whatnot. And also threesomes and mistresses but I guess that comes later in the relationship. So anyway, I'm not big on French food so I sorta got myself ramen delivered. I think it's all that sauce, it doesn't agree with me. In the meantime Youngjae was out there inhaling industrial quantities of strawberry parfaits. Where does all that food go? Not in his ass, that's for sure. It was all rather disgusting but somehow the dumpling woman found that endearing. And she helped him. Do his taxes. I kid you not. Like what in the heck???? I was flabbergasted sir, you have no idea.

Meanwhile farmboy was just there staring off into space emitting some sort of high-pitched whine once in a while. And then blood started coming out of his forehead again. I'm pretty sure he was asleep at that point too like I poked him with a fork a couple times and he didn't react so yeah that's saying something. I might also have drawn on him a little bit. But no penises! Penises are for children.  

Okay you know when sometimes you say or type something and then it just downs on you, how inappropriate it all sounds? Yeah that just happened to me. Right around the time where I put children and penises in the same sentence.

So anyway. I guess that woman is into accountants cause she was all over Youngjae but he was too busy with taxes and strawberries to even notice anything. So like. That was that I guess? He scored her digits?? But that was only to send her a copy of his tax declaration to be sure he had everything right. Is that how huge fucking nerds flirt? Some sort of mating ritual I’m not privy to? Still, this has to be the only time this has happened in the history of mankind so all in all I'm honestly a lil bit impressed.  

Now I really hope you're pleasantly entertained and all warmed up by the prospect of young love and all that cause I might have done something not strictly legal after that. But it's nothing important. Like I might have possibly slipped farmboy a teeny tiny tracker. But that's only cause. Well he and the merry gaggle of fools that follows him around like confused ducklings somehow have a way to always end up in trouble, don't they? So like. I thought well now at least I'll be warned. And it's not entirely punishable at all to do that to civilians without their consent, or any valid reason at all, right? I really hope our email server is encrypted like crazy cause you know how many incriminating things I keep sending you? A whole hell of a lot.  

 

**From: Kim Himchan**

**Object: did you know Youngjae is allergic to strawberries?**

His head is all swollen like a balloon sir check out my instagram

 

**From: Kim Himchan**

**Object: Wow I really hope you took up my suggestion about goat yoga**

Okay so like at first you know the whole thing with the tracker is that I didn't think the boys would actually get in trouble _right this second_. But then they went ahead and did just that. So what was I to do? Honestly sir you would have reacted just the way I did. Before I tell you anything though I want you to reach inside yourself and remember how much you actually care for me. And Youngjae. And Jongup. Cause yeah I might have gotten everyone involved but you're the first one to say never go anywhere without backup so I was just applying your invaluable teachings you can't really get mad at me for that. I’ll give you a couple seconds to just stare at this picture and remember how adorable we really are:

Now that you’re all full of warm feelings for your underlings I’ll get on with the story.

So the thing is we were just all relaxing in our hotel rooms, maybe hanging out with the dudes from the Macau police, maybe kicking their asses in a tekken tournament because nothing beats old school fight games am I right, and then like. Youngjae was checking out if the tracker was really working and then he thought something was weird cause who the hell goes to a basement in the shady part of town on a Tuesday night like no biggie? No one, right? Apart from shady buffoons. So we showed the Macau guys and holy shit was something weird. You know underground illegal casinos? Yeah it's still a thing and apparently the ducklings were walking right into one and we thought, well. That smells way fishy and I'm not only talking about Youngjae's feet.

So we went there and I’ll skip the formalities but lemme tell you one thing those guys probably need a babysitter like how do they get around getting involved with people who bring pitchforks to a fistfight? Why pitchforks? It’s not even useful in a fight honestly I mean the reach is good but if you manage to get past the pointy stuff you basically won already. I was so mad about that damn pitchfork I kid you not I had to lecture the guy once I got him in a headlock. And there was some guy with an axe too, but I guess Jongup took care of it alright. You know what Jongup needs apart from prescription glasses? Some counseling session cause boy he was just going around telling everyone to shut the fuck up, decking them straight in the mouth and all that. I mean either he started to collect human teeth, which is worrying, or he got way too much pent-up aggression from that whole Daehyun never closing his pie hole experience. Seriously. That’s just one more argument is favor of releasing Daehyun from his desk shackles. Jongup can’t deal. No one can deal. Listen to the cries of the anguished, sir.

And you know what really stood out? One of our boys was wearing a goddamn purple corduroy suit. I kid you not. It was almost too distracting, it was like a very disturbing purple medusa I had to avoid looking directly at it or I would just get petrified all over again. It was pretty much offensive to every senses known to man. What a bold choice. In a weird way though he kinda pulled it off. But like, in a really weird way. So there you go. We might have arrested a whole gang of poker mafia on top of the dumpling mafia based on the illegal tracking of some lunatics we keep getting dangerously involved in our arrests and also had to pretend were actually a secret task force that one time they helped us get Min the Merciless after one of my scheme went a slightly bit askew and now that I’m typing it out it sounds really bad, doesn’t it? Anyway I trust you captain sir. I know you always say we’re tiring you out and that you’re really looking forward to retirement but deep down I bet you’re really proud of all our achievements.

 

**From: Kim Himchan**

**Object: Are you good at scrabble?**

I’m not supposed to talk about it but do you play scrabble? Like are you good at it? I bet that’s the kind of stuff you get up to in your free time you closeted grandpa. Just come clean I won’t judge.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Image from Himchan's instagram


	6. Memorandum #356

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bulletin board sees some activity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short-ass update but at least it didn't take me a month!

**Memorandum**

_Officer Jung Daehyun is hereby relieved from desk duty. Taking into account the impact his behavior had on one Moon Jongup he’ll nonetheless be sent to the isolation corner. You know what I’m talking about._

_Following certain events that will NOT be named ‘The Great Jongup Meltdown of 2018’ no matter how much you insist, Yoo Youngjae, the number of fire extinguishers on this floor has been downgraded from 5 to 2 despite what common sense dictates. So prepare to suffer if I see any of you bozos playing with matches again._

_-Captain Bang_

 

Honestly what’s with mentioning the matches again that was ONE TIME SIR LET ME LIVE

-Himchan

 

That’s too late sir, I already filed the incident report under that name. Administration thought it was hilarious, you know. You should relax a little bit. Take up goat yoga. Didn’t Himchan hyung mention goat yoga? I think it’s a valid idea, sir. Either that or get laaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiid. My hot cousin’s in town this weekend. Just putting that out there.

-Youngjae

 

The isolation corner???? Why???? I’ve been nothing but exemplary!!!!!! I did EVERYTHING that was asked of me!!!! I don’t want to go there captain sir take pity!!!!! I won’t ask people from the drunk tank to send you letters on my behalf or deputize any swans ever again I swear. A man should be allowed to make amends!!!!!

-Daehyun

 

You did everything except shutting the hell up even your post-it note is freaking loud how do you manage that?

-Himchan

 

EXCUSE ME?? Should I apologize for expressing myself???? I think the fuck not!!!!

-Daehyun

 

What’s wrong with the isolation corner? It’s just a regular desk in a regular corner.

-Junhong the Intern

 

Oh my sweet summer child you should never ask about the isolation corner.

-Himchan

 

Come on hyung, enlighten me.

-Junhong the Intern

 

It’s haunted.

-Moon Jongup

 

What? By whom? The ghost of Christmas past?

-Junhong the Intern

 

Make way make way, we have an intellectual joker amongst us

-Daehyun

 

Settle down bean pole. Some rat died there a few months ago and now his ghost haunts the desk. He’s cool though. You gotta leave him crumbs.

-Himchan

 

Rats have ghosts?

-Junhong the Intern

 

They don’t. Can you stop using up all the office’s supply of post-it notes to discuss nonsense? This is a bulletin board. Not a chatroom. If I confiscated all your phones it’s for you to get some work done not resort to this.

-Captain Bang

 

Here’s my hot cousin’s number Captain-nim, use it wisely: 010-****-****

-Youngjae

 

Anyone else slightly disturbed by Youngjae calling his own cousin hot?

-Daehyun

 

Have you seen Youngjae’s hot cousin? Youngjae has eyes just like the rest of us. There’s only so much you can do sometimes. Also I heard stomping in Captain’s office so prepare yourselves for the rarely seen but much appreciated “Captain Bang whooping Yoo Youngjae’s ass”.

-Himchan

 

Do you guys know if rats like Mr. Big chocolate bars? That’s all I have on me.

-Daehyun

 

Why do you have a Mr. Big chocolate bar on you?

-Himchan

 

For flirting.

-Moon Jongup

 

Care to elaborate, Jonguppie?

-Himchan

 

He gives it to you and then he winks.

-Moon Jongup

 

You know what? Once I’m done with Youngjae I’m whooping Daehyun’s ass too.

-Captain Bang

 

OH COME ON CAPTAIN IT ISN’T THAT BAD

-Daehyun

 

Did it work? Like, ever? On anyone?

-Himchan

 

One time the coffee lady laughed and gave me a muffin with “nice try loser” written on it in chocolate chips so I count that as a win. I’ve never seen the pizza delivery guy again after I pulled it on him though so there’s that too.

-Daehyun

 

Damn I liked that guy. I wondered what had happened to him.

-Himchan

 

He couldn’t handle the Jung.

-Daehyun

No one can. That’s why you’re still single. Never thought of changing techniques?

-Himchan

 

We’re all single, hyung. Also, no. I’m committed. Not my fault people are spineless cowards.

-Daehyun

 

**Memorandum**

_The use of post-it notes is now tightly regulated. Please send to my office through the post a handwritten demand stating the number of post-it notes you need, what for, and where you will put them. The demand will then be reviewed by a full committee of only me and a decision will eventually be reached in 3 to 5 business days. Thank you._

_-Captain Bang_


	7. Staff Meeting Report by Junhong the Intern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a staff meeting, somehow Junhong is in charge of the minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick thing to slightly make up for the lack of updates!!! I've been traveling. Also I don't remember if I mentioned my [twitter](https://twitter.com/BlanquetteAO3) or not but like come shout at me on there or suggests accounts or whatnot I need more B.A.P on there. Thanks!!!!

Hello staff so following yesterday's meeting we have **NEW RULES** for the office and here is the run down that I did in a bullet point because no one really ever explained how I was supposed to do this. No one really explains anything around here. You do know I'm just an intern, right? I'm here to learn? And I've learned nothing? Or maybe I did? Is this some sort of kung-fu learning thingie? Like they make you sweep and you think it's all bull but you're actually learning the deadliest moves? I hope that's it. I have to graduate one day, you know. Please help.

 

Anyway, here's the **NEW RULES:**

 

1) Kim Himchan will stop singing the Dua Lippa song everytime someone mentions we need **NEW RULES**

2) Choi Junhong and Kim Himchan will stop ordering bedazzled balaclavas from those two weirdos' Etsy shop even though it's hilarious

3) The isolation corner is Jung Daehyun's new home and it is not up for discussion, if Jung Daehyun brings it up again he'll face punishment, of the kind he doesn't like because we don't want a repeat of the 2014 Daehyun Handcuffed To The Heater incident

4) Kim Himchan will NOT do a retelling involving miming and musical numbers of said incident for Choi Junhong's benefit because no one wants to relive that

5) Choi Junhong will stop mentioning how unfair it is that he's the only one not in the know, and Jung Daehyun will stop waggling his eyebrows at him, effective immediately

6) The supply closet will now be closed with a key, said key will be in the custody of Captain Bang Yongguk, and he'll need written demands before you take anything because "but no one ever built an eraser tower that big" and "how were we supposed to know you can't wash glue off erasers" and "we might have accidentally glued Jongup to the floor but he doesn't seem to mind" aren't adequate use of our very limited supplies

7) Moon Jongup isn't to be bothered under any circumstances lest he snaps again

8) If anyone mentions goat yoga to Captain Bang Yongguk ever again he's entitled to one (1) ass whooping on the person of the perpetrator, except if it's Kim Himchan, in which case Captain Bang is entitled to straight-up murder and yes that is legal we asked Kim Heechul but he was also very drunk at that time so who knows really

9) Kim Heechul will refrain from being drunk off his ass at four in the afternoon like seriously? Man at least wait for nightfall like the rest of us depressed jerks

10) Choi Junhong will watch his potty mouth and stop pretending to be all swaggy when really he's just a Tall Child (I resent that by the way)

11) T-Posing for whatever reason is now strictly forbidden

12) Referencing Brooklyn 99 is also strictly forbidden because life is not a TV show and that is not "so us" and Daehyun is so not the Rosa of the gang if anything he's the Boyle like if anyone is Rosa it's Jongup and why are we even discussing this in a staff meeting? Captain Bang is so Holt though, even if he never got that stick out his arse

13) Saying that Captain Bang has a stick up his arse is now punishable by a night in the cell, except for Daehyun because we all know he likes it

14) Someone needs to address Jung Daehyun criminal kink or whatever that is he got going on

15) (quotation) Citing Rihanna is not a valid defense no matter how banging that s&m song is sit your ass down Jung Daehyun (end of quotation)

16) Results for the "Buying Jongup Glasses Cause That Boy Needs To Stop Squinting At Everything" vote: all in favor, motion adopted, accounting will be notified but not Hyorin cause she says no to everything even though she's mostly right all the time but how were we supposed to know competitive kite flying requires so much investment

17) No competitive kite flying for the precinct this year

18) Entering amateur boxing hour was also rejected even though we're all seeing Jongup's biceps and lowkey thirsting after them

19) Thirsting after Jongup's biceps will now be considered sexual harassment even though according to Kim Himchan, who we can't trust, he secretly likes it and flexes accidentally on purpose everytime he reaches for something, which is a lot of the time because have you seen his height? He smol.

20) Choi Junhong will stop lording his height over everyone else like it's an achievement, superior genes aren't an achievement

21) Saying "superior genes aren't an achievement" doesn't mean you're salty about your lack of butt

22) Youngjae's lack of butt will stop being mentioned all willy-nilly

 

At this point the meeting turned into a screaming match and we all think Daehyun hyung is the loudest one but Youngjae hyung can really give him a run for his money. How did we not get a noise complaint? Oh. Nevermind I just re-read my notes for rule twenty-three and how did we not get slapped with a lawsuit already? Oh. Guess I should have read rule twenty-four too. Boy why did I chose this precinct for my internship? I could have gone with those guys in Gangnam. They're fancy. I bet they don't get noise complaints. Or if they do it's like, a ploy against their good standing. Anyway, moving on.

 

23) We will stop misfiling every noise complaints that we get, just because people have to complain about us to us as we're the police doesn't mean we can just ignore it

24) Just because Kim Heechul finds it hilarious to handle our lawsuit cases doesn't mean we should keep getting them

25) I actually didn't understand rule 25th because by that point Jongup hyung had fallen asleep and Captain Bang was just staring off into space while Youngjae hyung and Himchan hyung were fighting over the last doughnut so I couldn't hear what Daehyun hyung was actually saying and that's when Heechul-nim came in asking about what he missed and then Captain Bang chucked that mug at his head and he did that impressive ducking motion like that happens all the time and oh boy it does happen all the time doesn't it?

26) Meetings will now start on time and non-attending or late people will face the kind of punishment even Daehyun couldn't find enjoyment in

 

And well I guess that's it? Did I get that right? I don't know. I missed some things too. There was a lot of mumbling and screeching that I couldn't get quite right. And no one ever gives me instructions? Can I get instructions? What am I even supposed to do here? I don't know. I think no one knows. I'm just going to lie on my internship report. Heechul-nim said he could help me falsify it. Should we keep him as our lead prosecutor? Just saying but he's really shady. But shady-helpful so I guess it makes it okay? I don't know I'm just very confused.

Bye? How am I supposed to end these things? See you next meeting?

 

Best wishes I guess,

 

Choi Junhong the Intern

 

 


End file.
